It’s that time of year again and it’s important that we all keep in mind the rules and regulations. In the event of a school emergency, remain calm. Please keep your arms and legs within classroom at all times. Failure to comply may result in severe humiliation and/or demerits.

Upon entering each classroom be sure to locate the nearest exit, keeping in mind that it may or may not be located behind you. If you are seated next to an emergency exit and do not feel comfortable, please make your way to the front of the room. If you intend to pay full attention, also move to the front of the room.

In the event that it is necessary for you to operate an iPod or cell phone in class, please assume the proper positioning: keep your eyes fixed on the teacher and the electronic device of choice behind a backpack, person, or under the desk. Use of headphones is extremely risky and it is advised that they be stowed in the upright position of your pocket during class.

In the event that the instructor goes missing, please allow for fifteen minutes of cooperation before yelling and screaming like crazy. If that time passes and it still appears that you are on your own, make a beeline for the Commons, stopping only to chat with people in the hallways. Should you be late to any class, take note of the instructor’s position by looking through the door windows and make a break for it when they appear to be heavily immersed in discussion.

Note: If you are one of those kids who seems to be chronically late, then choose a seat close the entrance and make a point to sit there often. If you are one of those who does not want answer questions or be called upon, it may be a good idea to wear orange and black. Blending in is one way to stay out of the line of fire. Additionally, never make eye contact! Pretend to be doing work at all times, and answer questions you know the answers to before fading into the background.

If you have forgotten your homework, you now can do one of three things. If your teacher is on top of checking homework, then forget it, you stand no chance. If your teacher checks homework but does not collect it, try your luck with an old assignment. If your teacher is oblivious, turn the assignment in some other time saying, “You forgot to take mine.” Need an extra day on that project? It’s all about the Hamiltons, baby! Try to tear up, too.

But seriously, if there’s ever a fire just get the heck out! Something about going into specific parking lots or something? That’s way over my head. I’ve always wondered what happens if you’re in the bathroom. Drop everything and leave? I don’t think so…

*The Author does not condone any such behavior. He is just stating what should already be clear to students.