“Ughhh! I have another three hour practice after school today. I hate soccer so much. I wanna quit!” It is quite common to hear high school students complaining about their early morning practice or their upcoming game when walking through the halls. Hearing this can make you think, why do they even play their sport if they hate it so much? While everyone’s experiences are different, mine might give you a little insight.

On Sunday nights, I crawl into bed at 9 p.m. with a pit in my stomach, already dreading the three-hour practice waiting for me at 5 a.m. During moments like these, I ask myself whether I even enjoy swimming and want to become a better athlete, or if I’m just too scared to quit? I’m torn between whether to continue to dedicate all of my time to a sport that I don’t even know if I love anymore. However, I can’t seem to make the decision to let go.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was excited to put on my swimsuit and wear my swim backpack as I walked into the local YMCA. Plunging into the ice-cold water for a swim lesson would instantly put a smile onto my face, and I would immediately begin kicking and swimming back and forth. Seeing the joy that swimming brought me, my parents signed me up for the swim team. Soon, a mere hobby and form of exercise became a major commitment in my life.

Practices progressed from one hour, three times a week as an 11-year-old to two hours, eight times a week now as a sophomore in high school. I now notice that packing my bag and putting on my swimsuit feels like a need instead of a want. I feel obligated to myself, to my parents, to my coaches and to my sport to continue, and I feel extremely guilty when I have the occasional thought of, “how much less stress would I have if I just quit?” I never have quite enough strength to do so, but these thoughts invade my head constantly.

I have always believed that quitting would make me seem like an athlete who isn’t willing to go the extra step and work harder to achieve higher goals. So, I stay. If I quit, it would disregard the last five years of hard work and improvement by myself, my parents, my coaches and my teammates. It would reduce my character to just a student instead of a student-athlete, a title I am proud of.

I want to prove to myself and to others that I can put in the work. Showing everyone that I can do what is necessary to produce the outcome that I want will make them feel as though their support was not for nothing. I never want to put out an image that reflects an athlete who just quits when things get too tough and doesn’t care for the work others have put in for them.

The mindset of not quitting no matter how difficult things can become has been ingrained in me by all of my coaches, past and present. While the point is well taken, it has been difficult for me to realize that it does not apply to all situations.

I swim for the memories that I create with my friends and for the lessons that I learn. This goal can be easily accomplished by swimming solely on the high school team, but I can’t allow myself to let go of my club team.

The pressure that comes with playing both a club sport and a school sport makes it even more stressful for myself to play. Swimming club is considered extremely beneficial for the high school season and vice versa. The pressure felt is almost doubled and further stands in the way of me quitting.

It may be my pride that holds me back, but the thought of transitioning to a lower level is unbearable and embarrassing. Even though I know the mindset is incorrect, I cling on in hope that I can regain the love for the sport that has been lost somewhere along my journey as an athlete.